So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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