I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
