are you still at the devil's house?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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