okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
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how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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