I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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