I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.