hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...