omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
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So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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