Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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