Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
