i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
