Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I wear drunk well.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
