Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
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She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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