It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
