I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize