i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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