if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably