Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.