What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
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He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
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What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off