I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL