I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
