I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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