xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
