Those balls look pretty dangerous.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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