Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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