did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby