I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
