one might say we're banned from that church
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
