Got a toothbrush?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.