I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?