I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
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I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
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You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.