Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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