This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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