i already hear my dad disowning me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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