wakey wakey hands off snakey
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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