Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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