If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
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I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
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This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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