Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I smell stomach acid.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
