Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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