I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
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I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate