He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
