you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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