I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
