I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
