Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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