One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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