First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"