she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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