3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
