I'm an idiot
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.