Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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