my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER