I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
