i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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