then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
