I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
